The Secret Diary of Lord Voldemort

July 24, 2022

Disclaimer: This is a fic I wrote many years ago as a companion piece to The Secret Diary of Draco Malfoy, and it's really not meant to be taken at all seriously. It's just a bit of fun written to entertain and hopefully amuse people 😛 There are things in here that defy canonical events for Year 1. In some cases, that's because I wrote this just after GoF was released - the book, not the movie - and so those parts of canon hadn't been established yet. In other cases, I took a few creative liberties with characters and canon because it's more fun. (Well, alright; a lot of creative liberties. However wacky/not-serious Draco's Diary was, this is about 100 times more so).

There is some mild cursing, but nothing worse than you'd find in any of the books. I couldn't find any rules on fanfic contents are for this site, whether swearing and/or mature content is okay or not, so I played it safe 🙂

Day 1

To-Do List:
1. Clean living room
2. Do laundry

3. Wipe out Potter family
4. Buy milk

Wormtail thinks should wipe out Potters tonight. Would like to, but X-Files marathon on tonight. Even seriously evil wizards need time to relax.

Day 2

Wormtail still bugging me to wipe out Potters. Have decided to wait extra day to put Wormtail in place.

Day 3

Wormtail really getting on nerves! Also, screams whenever dog goes past window. Am not sure why. Have seen photo of Wormtail with huge black dog at school, so do not know what’s eating him.

Day 4

Will go today, if only to shut up Wormtail.

later

Damn Wormtail! Went to Potters and got blasted! Am now disembodied cloud of misty stuff. Have to make sure does not get around. Being beaten in wizard's duel by baby not good for street cred.

Day 5

Is not too bad being disembodied cloud of misty stuff. Can now save on food and clothing bills. Can also leap out from behind gravestones at passing Muggles. Is not that I mind exactly, though miss being able to throw stuff at minions. But what smartass decided to put in a ceiling fan!?

Day 6

Ceiling fan still nuisance. Cannot turn off. Have decided to torture minions until one owns up.

Just remembered cannot torture minions as am currently puff of wind and hot air. Mentioned small fact to minions. Will find whoever made snide comment about not noticing any difference and hex!

Day 7

Just remembered cannot hex either. Damn!

Day 8

Have drawn up list of minions to see which most likely to be guilty.

Lucius Malfoy—no chance; claims fan messing up hairstyle. Also claims to be allergic to Muggle items.
Crabbe—too stupid.
Goyle—see Crabbe.
MacNair—hmm…haven’t seen for ages, so possibly. Will tell Lucius to track down MacNair and hex.

Day 9

Went to tell Lucius to hex MacNair, but Lucius nowhere to be found. Damn! Is so hard to find bad help these days.

Tried to find MacNair on own, but didn’t get beyond mirror in front hall. Actually look quite spooky. Terrified Crabbe by flying through wall! Go me!

Day 10

That does it! Can live with ceiling fan up to a point, despite being disembodied cloud of misty stuff. Can also live with Muggle art magazines Lucius thinks I don’t know about (particularly after seeing picture on page three). But there is limit to amount of indignity am prepared to suffer!

Whose bright idea was that bloody vacuum cleaner, anyway?

Day 35

Have searched extensively, but MacNair vanished off face of earth. Lucius dropped by but is preoccupied these days. Lent me crystal ball to spy on Potter boy then went off again.

Day 36

Have just remembered Crabbe went out for sugar four days ago. Even Crabbe not stupid enough to get lost for that long.

Day 37

No sign of Crabbe or Lucius. Goyle volunteered to go out and look.

Day 40

Goyle not back yet. Am completely alone. Have started to develop inferiority complex. Wonder if I smell? After all, have not taken shower in thirty-nine days.

Day 46

Hmm. Maybe plan to torture Potter boy didn’t go so wrong after all. Have been looking in crystal ball, and relatives v. annoying. Potter boy probably be horribly treated for rest of life. Serve him right.

Day 2041

Must get body. Is now very boring not being able to do anything except fly through walls.

Day 4000

Found wimpy person in forests and possessed him! Go me! Wimpy person teacher at Hogwarts…name Squirrel or something.

Day 4015

Potter-boy met Hagrid today. Did not think Hagrid still at Hogwarts. Probably Dumbledore’s fault.

Went into Gringotts, went down to Quirrell’s vault. Was very impressed. Teaching obviously pays more than striking terror into hearts of innocents. Perhaps should think about career change.

Day 4016

Have just remembered teachers strike terror into hearts of innocents anyway, so will stick with original evil plan of Returning In Full Force To Crush All Who Oppose Me (And Lots Of People Who Don’t). After all, Lord Voldemort scarier name than Professor Voldemort.

May need to think up new name for evil plan though.

Day 4032

Addendum to above: will hex everyone who calls me You-Know-Who or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! Did not go to all that trouble of inventing new, more imposing name for everyone to avoid using it!

Day 4045

Arrived in Hogwarts. Could not see much as Quirrell hid me under stinky turban. Have been inhaling garlic for three hours now!

Ah well. Can always torture Quirrell when bored.

Day 4057

Okay, who put Malfoy Junior up to that ‘defence against werewolves’ thing? Honestly, some people…

Day 4060

Let troll in without hitch, but troll kept going towards girls’ bathroom. Just my luck to pick adolescent specimen. Had to hit troll on head and run away in opposite direction before troll followed. Did very convincing scream of terror (actually, Quirrell did, not me—Lord Voldemort doesn’t scream at anything except that concert, but was Tom Riddle then, so doesn’t count) but then idiot Quirrell fainted. Why could not pick brave and powerful wizard to possess?? Why was stuck with Quirrell!?

Day 4061

AAAAAAAH! Life so unfair! Go to all that trouble of letting troll in to bash people on head while Quirrell sneaks down to dungeon and not only get cut off by Snape but troll knocked out by Potter, Weasley and Granger! WHY ME!?

On plus side, was actually glad Snape went in first. Else would have had own leg almost chewed off by giant three-headed dog.

Day 4064

Quirrell tried to curse Potter’s broom during Quidditch match. Did good job at first, but Snape did counter-curse, then set cloak on fire to break concentration. Are there no depths to which people will not sink to thwart Quirrell/me? Do not remember rise to power being this difficult last time.

Gryffindor won. Since Quirrell teacher, am not supposed to take sides, but took great pleasure in making him write rude messages all over Gryffindor common room.

later

Quirrell just told me wrote messages in invisible ink. Ack! Why cannot have normal person to possess like everyone else?

Day 4073

Christmas holidays start. Did not spend time admiring decorations in Great Hall since Dumbledore always goes waaay over top and will not lower self by pretending to like them. Anyway, couldn’t see bugger all from inside garlicky turban.

Day 4079

Snape tried to threaten Quirrell. Could have told him was wasting time; Quirrell only scared of ME! Heard gasp from side. Probably ghost so did not pay attention since am not afraid of dead people. Also, Snape trying to strangle me.

Day 4106

Students back today. Bye-bye peace and quiet.

Day 4113

Saw Snape referee Quidditch match. Is obvious he favors Slytherin. Could not hex Potter as Dumbledore watching as well. Honestly! Am starting to think people don’t trust me!

Day 4135

Have found out how to get past giant three-headed dog! Go me! Only cost one dragon egg too, but had to keep forking out money to get Hagrid pissed. Note to self: do not drink with half-giant again unless half-giant prepared to stand his round same as everyone else!

Day 4136

Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored. Quirrell too hungover to get out of bed. Did not go to hospital wing as might be forced to take off turban by Madam Pomfrey. Seeing my face on back of Quirrell's head might raise eyebrow or two.

Day 4143

Sent Quirrell into Forbidden Forest to kill unicorn. Quirrell almost got spiked. Am starting to despair.

On plus side, managed to drink unicorn blood. Feel stronger. However, unicorn blood taste like Skele-Gro so now am fighting urge to throw up inside turban. Cloves of garlic not helping.

Tried to kill Potter (what was Potter doing in forest with Malfoy Jr?) but centaur spoiled it. Must remember to kill centaur once have regained full strength.

Day 4145

Almost got Philosopher’s Stone but Potter stepped in at last minute. Tried to convince Potter to join but was rejected because murdered Potter's parents and Potter apparently not in favor of killing. Potter got stone instead and killed Quirrell in process. Potter such a hypocrite!

Am disembodied misty thing again. Must find place to hide. Fled back to old house. Nobody there but Lucius sent me postcard from 5-star hotel in Albania. Will go there next.

Day 4150

Have been turned away from 5-star Albanian hotel on grounds of not wearing dress robes. Snobs! Have decided to move into forest instead.

Gave Lucius explicit instructions to wipe out Mudbloods. Hope he follows them to letter. If so, will be back at Hogwarts next year.

If not, am completely and utterly screwed.

19.2k · July 24, 2022

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