The Secret Diary of Draco Malfoy

July 18, 2022

Disclaimer: This is a fic I wrote many years ago, and it's really not meant to be taken too seriously. It's just a bit of fun written to entertain and hopefully amuse people 😛 There are things in here that could be said to defy canonical events for Year 1. In some cases, that's because I wrote this just after GoF was released - the book, not the movie - and so those parts of canon (boys entering girls' dorms, for example) hadn't been established yet. In other cases, I took a few creative liberties with characters and canon because it's more fun.

There is some mild cursing, but nothing worse than you'd find in any of the books. I couldn't find any rules on fanfic contents are for this site, whether swearing and/or mature content is okay or not, so I played it safe 😉

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The Secret Diary of Draco Malfoy

Day 1

Met some four-eyed weirdo in Madam Malkin's shop today. Weirdo seemed to only know the words 'Yes,' 'No,' and 'Mmm' (okay, so 'mmm' not really word; who cares?) Weirdo wearing tatty clothes about four sizes too big. Maybe got in way of Shrinking Spell before coming.

Didn't get name, as Weirdo's robes finished before mine even though he arrived ten minutes after me! Customer service here gone completely to pot!

Day 29

Weirdo turned out to be Harry Potter! Am v. surprised to find Boy Who Lived hanging out with Boy Without A Life, aka Weasley. Told Potter that Weasley nothing but no good piece of riff-raff and completely potless. Offered Potter hand to shake in gesture of friendship. Was snubbed. Potter said he could tell wrong sort for himself but am convinced it had something to do with my being blond. Some people so snobbish!

Made Slytherin! Go me! Potter stuck in boring Gryffindor. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Day 30

Wish Goyle would stop snoring.

Day 31

First Potions lesson. Snape came over to cauldron, told everyone to look at perfect way horned slugs were stewed. Did not like to point out had just switched cauldrons with Goyle as own cauldron had dissolved. Will complain to Father about cheap, substandard materials. Cauldron should be able to withstand three kinds of concentrated stomach acids without melting.

Other news; Snape took points off Gryffindor for Potter. Am v. happy! Finally, have met teacher with more than air between ears! Snape asked Potter what a spriggleweed was just before end of class but Potter ducked out of room so Snape took five points off Weasley instead.

Had afternoon off so practiced smirking. Am getting v. good at it.

Day 32

What is a spriggleweed?

Day 35

Goyle still snoring, dammit.

Day 37

Saw fat oaf Longbottom fall off broom today. V. amusing. Decided to go for little fly but Potter came after me and tried to knock me off broom because wouldn't let him see Remembrall. Potter so touchy! Threw Remembrall at McGonagall's window but Potter caught it before window broke.

Hate Potter.

Day 40

Humiliated self in front of old shortarse Flitwick by revealing Potter's broom. Potter been given permission to have broomstick in special secret circumstances. Nobody ever tells me anything.

Day 41

Challenged Potter to wizard's duel in trophy room at midnight. Told Filch in case remains of Potter make mess on carpet.

9.32PM

Have decided not to go to duel. Am such great wizard, wouldn't be fair on Potter. Thought about telling Filch duel canceled, then decided not. Filch already in pissy mood. Honestly! Was only one little sack of flour. Some people have no sense of humor.

Day 42

Defense Against Dark Arts better than usual. Wrote two words down, told Quirrell good form of defense against werewolves if said five times fast. Listened to Quirrell try to say "Hedyma Dic" several times, laughed self into coma. Lost Slytherin ten points, but worth it.

Day 45

Feast was spoiled by Quirrell rushing in screaming about troll in dungeon. Wimp. At first thought Quirrell had just seen Goyle's shadow but then saw Goyle sat at other side of table eating. Am convinced Goyle trying to store enough fat for coming winter. Dippy sidekicks have no conception of weight watching.

Heroically led mad stampede through corridors and up to Slytherin Tower, hoping no one got lost on way. Did not stop to check as decided to rush up to first-year dormitory to make sure troll not lying in wait under bed. As no lights on, did not realize was not my bed until later. First-year girls so ungrateful!

Day 49

Slytherin lost Quidditch match. Am sure Gryffindor cheated. Harry almost fell off broom. Am not sure why, but saw Snape muttering something. Used amazing lip reading skills to see Snape say "Don't let the funky brad fall off." Think Snape should choose words more carefully; Potter less funky than pet house elf. Also, first name Harry, not Brad.

Goyle STILL snoring!

Day 50

Nobody appreciated joke about wide mouth tree frog. Philistines!

Put pillow over Goyle's face to muffle sound. Better. Goyle not snoring anymore.

Have just noticed Goyle not breathing anymore either. Oops. Hit Crabbe with pillow and sent him to get Madam Pomfrey.

Day 51

Goyle in hospital wing, so have to make do with Crabbe. Am feeling very lonely only having one dippy sidekick. Potter only has one too, but Weasley dippy enough for two, so probably works out nicely.

Twenty-seven days til Christmas!!!

Day 53

Goyle out of hospital wing. Spent time grunting happily to Crabbe. Have decided to write Goylish-English dictionary. Might make me millionaire.

Day 54

Have just remembered am already millionaire, so scrapped dictionary idea. Let someone else do it.

Day 55

Went home for Christmas! Mother v. pleased to see me. Was pleased to see her too, though did not need to be hugged quite so much, or called Drakey-poo in front of Crabbe and Goyle. Have reputation to uphold! Mother so embarrassing.

Day 57

Three weeks til Christmas!

Day 64

Two weeks til Christmas!

Day 71

One week til Christmas!

Day 72

Mother had house elf make mince pies. House elf got sugar and salt mixed up. Have just spent last hour trying to get taste out of mouth. Will try and do own cooking in future.

Six days til Christmas!

Day 73

Burnt toast, spilled orange juice, managed to stick fried eggs to frying pan, blew up potatoes and most of oven. Have decided to be less ambitious. Will try grapefruit tomorrow.

Five days til Christmas!

Day 74

Cut grapefruit in half, dug spoon in, got squirted in eye. Turned grapefruit around, dug spoon in, got squirted in other eye. Threw grapefruit across room. Blamed broken window on house elf. Parents believed me so was not grounded but have been banned from kitchen for rest of natural lifespan. Parents so unfair!

Four days til Christmas!

Day 77

Christmas Eve!

Waited until 1AM before deciding Mother forgot to put up Christmas tree. Went through to bedroom to point this out. Am convinced she blew it up deliberately!

Day 78

CHRISTMAS DAY!!!

Presents not bad this year. Finally got bumper pack of hair gel have been dropping hints about since last Christmas. Crabbe and Goyle came over by Floo powder, compared presents. Crabbe got eighteen bottles of bubble bath, ten packs of bath salts and seven bars of soap. Am not sure why. Crabbe never takes bath so presents kind of pointless.

Ten days til term starts.

Day 80

Father busy doing work in study. Never looks up or speaks to anyone. Would have thought person could bang balloon without disturbing him if hadn't already experimented at age six. Father so jumpy at times!

Day 81

Back at Hogwarts next week. Hope Potter had rotten Christmas.

Day 88

Nope. Potter had good Christmas. Damn! Will find Peeves and demand money back.

Day 89

Couldn't find Peeves but saw fat oaf Longbottom outside library. Was plainly spying on me, so hexed him. Watched Longbottom bunny hop off. Have not laughed so much since throwing house elf into piranha tank.

Day 95

Quidditch match today! V. interesting performance. Snape refereed. Made innocent comment about selection of Gryffindor team members and got insulted by Longbottom. Made equally innocent comment about Potter's flying and got punched in face by Weasley. Have decided to keep mouth shut in future. Gryffindors obviously unable to take part in healthy debate.

Longbottom picked fight with Crabbe and Goyle, proving his terminal stupidity beyond any doubt. Luckily Crabbe and Goyle unhurt. Managed to beat Weasley in fair fight. Weasley never stood chance.

Tried to practice smirking but effect somewhat spoiled by black eye. Will try again tomorrow.

Day 117

Saw Potter, Weasley and Granger sneaking down to Hagrid's. Was concerned for safety as Hagrid vicious half giant so nerved self to follow. Peeked in through window and saw either baby dragon or very deformed lizard. Potter saw me looking and went for the door to chase me away. Potter so selfish! Other people besides him like seeing Hagrid almost burnt to death when dragon/deformed lizard sneezed.

Day 120

Found note in Weasley's book saying when dragon was going. Decided to sneak up and watch; have never seen dragon being carried before. Got caught by McGonagall and put in detention! Me! What did I do wrong?

On a more worrying note, lost Slytherin twenty points. This puts Slytherin behind Gryffindor. Could hardly sleep for worrying.

Day 121

Saved! Potter lost Gryffindor one hundred fifty points! Ha! Ha! Ha! Now nobody notices my little slip.

Have detention with Potter on Friday WORSE LUCK!

Day 125

Detention tonight. Went outside with Filch and found Hagrid waiting with Potter, Granger and Longbottom! What's Longbottom got to do with this?!

Went into Forbidden Forest. Was not afraid, but was concerned for other three so tried to argue us into better detention. Didn't work. Got landed with Longbottom and chose Fang to go with us since am sure Fang more intelligent than Hagrid. Decided to give Longbottom test to see how quick reflexes are. Have to admit, was very impressed. Got in trouble with evil half giant and did not like to argue, as half giant much bigger than me. Got stuck with Potter as punishment. WHY ME?

Saw strange, evil creature drinking unicorn blood. Decided to help Potter, so yelled loudly and dashed off, hoping it would follow me and leave him. Evil creature decided to try and kill Potter instead. Was not my fault, as kept pointing out to Hagrid. Did not know evil creature was Dark Lord in disguise. If I had, would have yelled louder to increase the chances of diversion plan working.

Day 138

Last exam today! Am sure I passed with honors. Marks not given out yet but Potions best subject. Snape wonderful teacher. Best Hogwarts ever seen.

Spent free afternoon sunbathing. Have been trying to get tan for five years now, but skin won't cooperate. Probably just as well. Might lose pale and interesting look.

Day 140

Last day of term! Slytherin won House Cup (of course) but old Dumbledore got to feet and gave out 'last minute points'. Ha! Right! Think Dumbledore been waiting to do it since term began. Gave points to Neville for sticking up for self, gave points to Weasley for playing chess, gave points to Granger for being logical, gave points to Potter for saving the world. Headteacher shouldn't play favorites like that!

Got on train, went back to London. Got embarrassed again by Mother calling me Drakey-poo. Have decided to look into deed polls as soon as I get home. Am also going to get onto Slytherin Quidditch team if last thing I do.

Still hate Potter.

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So there you have it. Year 1, as seen through the eyes of one Draco Malfoy...sort of. It's short but I really hope you enjoyed it! 🙂

1.2k · July 18, 2022

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